Not to the rescue…

To communicate, to involve and evolve oneself, to be certain why we need to be on a mission to improve and in doing so more fully appreciate the world around us may indeed transform into a more noble, selfless journey of discovery.

I was being transformed by the desire to do something worthwhile, something special, to write, to connect, to listen better, to wander more, to learn and to tap into a spirit I’d describe now as unbridled creativity.

But first there was some much needed healing and acceptance of the primary fear holding myself back. Of all things, it was a burning desire to rescue those who so obviously needed my help which was far more important than my own journey. How could I do something so wondrous for myself if my primary focus was on that of a myriad of souls who desperately needed me now and who obviously should come first.

At the tender age of 50 I had something peculiar brought to my attention, my progress in life was being dampened by a serious condition. I had been diagnosed with a deep and sincere caring for those I loved, yet it was not a normal level of care it was a problem and it was holding me back.

It appeared that I could actually see so very much more within people than they could in reality see in themselves. I was in tune with the thriving human being waiting to be released, feel the radiantly beautiful person inside, touch that wondrous spirit that lay hidden under scars of mistreatment.

I was a rescuer, always searching for someone, anyone in need. It turns out however that through therapy and counseling there was hope for a full recovery and a new, improved life began to slowly to emerge.

What had occurred way back when was that I had unintentionally been elected to become the man of the house at the tender age 9 or 10. Was I ready for such an undertaking absolutely not, was I happy to do whatever it took to help my family and provide the much needed emotional support needed, absolutely.

I tried my best to accomplish this by always doing the right thing, staying out of trouble and simply being available to help, all tossed together by an insistance to be funny and as much a tease as possible.

My father, a wonderful man, worked very hard, he worked all the time, accepting any overtime offered which kept him from his family and his only son both days and nights. The real problem arose from this workaholic lifestyle in his need to reward himself for his labors, a little time to to relax which he accomplished in the pursuit of two passionate hobbies which as you can guess added even more days away.

So, the kid steps in to take care of the emotional needs of his grandmother, mother and older sister. Obviously, these three women needed his protection and it was truly an honor this silent acceptance of responsibility, that I knew not what to do with or how to accomplish my task would unfold through my teens and beyond.

“Break the glass, please, and free us from all these damned rules, from needing to find an explanation for everything, from doing only what others approve of.” ~ Paulo Coelho

What this did to my later life especially in my search for the woman of my dreams, was to severely limit my search and to instead be only to those who may have had a tough or nonexistent relationship with their fathers or who had been abandoned or even abused.  Needless to say, there were plenty to choose from and the role of a knight in shining armor rose up and began again.

Such as things are today and with the help of experience and through self discovery, a fabulous counselor and countless books on finding a true and better calling, I had broken free from looking for victims and I have succeeded in a recovery. What has most assuredly emerged provides a new and wondrous glimpse into a happiness associated with and new appreciation of all things, which has brought me to where I sit today with a constant yearning to create.

My desire and inspiration to write, that energy that wakes me early and draws me to this keyboard or my numerous journals had now brought with it a less mixed bag of no less intense emotions, even more passion and most recently, far less sadness.

What I have discovered is that denying my deeper desires was actually an outrage against my true nature.  Any hindrance and all feelings of disbelief and doubt were simply fear and fear itself. I had a new path to follow and new directions on how to reach my goals. Upward on onward…

“One would never undertake such a thing (as writing) if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand. It is also true that one can write nothing readable unless one constantly struggles to efface one’s own personality.” ~ George Orwell


3 thoughts on “Not to the rescue…

  1. You’re in a long journey Ed and it is awesome that you are working out of it. I once heard a great analogy that explained that for us to help others we must help ourselves first. If you think about an airplane that is “going down” or having trouble. The first thing that happens is that it plummets a few hundred feet as it levels off… then the oxygen masks drop. Now you may be traveling with kids, family, friends or even strangers.

    Your immediate reaction may be to help others calm down and get their masks on… but this would be a deadly mistake. The first thing you need to do is to put YOUR own mask on so that you may remind yourself of the process. A process which you’re about to help someone else with. And in fact, this seemingly selfish act will allow you to help others put their mask on without fainting because of lack of oxygen. So you see, sometimes taking care of ourselves is actually taking care of others in better, stronger and more efficient ways.

    1. It is indeed a long journey Oscar, but an exciting and rewarding one that I feel honored to be a part of. I am learning so much from the blogging every day process and my ideas and interest in learning more are on fire. Thank you…

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