The many reasons were there as was the intense desire, the continual nagging of the creative spirit to indulge was alive and well. But, there was a hesitation, a needing to do something perfectly or not at all was at fault.
I stood before great, opulent doors of wisdom as “Open Sesame” hung on my lips, yet I was afraid. I was just 18 then and quite unsure if I should dare walk a path enabling discovery of my creative, to eventually quell the resistance and more deeply and lovingly investigate what I should do next.
Instead, I chose the common man’s path, a guidance handed down, to settle down, find a good company and get hired for life, find a wife, have children, buy a home and then maybe when I retired I could could re-examine my right brain.
Then one day I it became very clear –
“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!” ~ Mae West
To communicate, to involve or immerse oneself with a mission to improve, to venture forth and in doing so awaken an appreciation of a world surrounding us being a more noble, selfless journey. I was beginning to understand and feel deeply passionate about an allowance to strive for such a goal which have in turn provided a new and wondrous glimpse into happiness.
- muse = to become absorbed in thought, to turn something over in the mind meditatively and often inconclusively
That pesky barricade had fallen and instead I had grasped onto a reawakening of desire. The overwhelming urges to write had me now tapped into my inspiration to create, to learn, to grow and to enjoy myself like no other time in my life.
That new energy awakes me early and draws me to the keyboard with welcome ideas, emotions, fears, and hopes for more was now on fire. What I had discovered way back then and which was smoldering anew was that literature and the process of writing was alive and well. It was breathing deep inside the heart and mind, as I would now assume that the authors I worshipped had most likely felt the very same hesitations in their craving to express. I was not alone…
“One would never undertake such a thing (as writing) if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand. It is also true that one can write nothing readable unless one constantly struggles to efface one’s own personality.” ~ George Orwell
- efface = to eliminate or make indistinct as if by wearing away a surface
A struggle with passion and the power to create and adopt and understanding of my pursuit of “why”.
Denying my deep desire to write stories of life, was actually an outrage against my true nature. Any hindrance and all feelings of disbelief and doubt were simply fear and fear itself. I am working beyond that now, or at best, we are actually speaking to one another.
“One is happy as a result of one’s own efforts once one knows the necessary ingredients of happiness: simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self denial to a point, love of work, and above all, a clear conscience.” ~ George Sand
A chance meeting changed things and a few moments which have provided me with an opportunity to connect with a very special and wondrous person. This event and our continued affinity adds to my inspiration and with it a true happiness, a new understanding that we cannot be held back, especially by ourselves.
A receptive reminder to myself, about something that burns luminously, sitting on life’s side lines with all the other candles and devotionals sparked by many other thoughts and feelings. It is most definitely about love and thank god it burns so brightly inside as it has become a corner-stone of how I live and breathe.
The search for ideas and a practice of positive self talk in unlimited potential continues…
“Only a woman of pride, complexity, and emotional tension is genuinely worth the act of love. To have and hold her you must accept the involvement, the emotional responsibility, the permanence she must by nature crave. I love you can be said only two ways.” – John D. McDonald